So the last few days I’ve been struggling with what to blog about as my first true post. I feel like venting to a diary isn’t the best way to attract your attention but you can’t get any more honest than that right? Well something thats been on mind and will continue to be, is heartbreak. Yes the romantic kind. The kind of heartbreak that leaves you questioning literally EVERYTHING about yourself and what you’ve known. And while this may not be a bad thing, it’s certainly not enjoyable.
Something I know for a fact that we’d all absolutely LOATH to admit; in fact I’m willing to put money on it that most people won’t admit it. (I’m surprised I’m about to myself). But our parents were by far, without a doubt, %100 right about boys. At least with girls they were. I can’t speak for guys. Now right now I’m sure whoever is reading this is mentally refuting my statement…..you’re wrong. If you’re not wrong, then you are very, and I mean very lucky. Maybe. If anything, you are definitely the exception. Now I’m not going to get in deep with the whole “depends on the parent” get up. Trust me, I know. But generally, and yes more generally than we’d all like to admit….our parents usually hit the same mark with their speech and they are usually right.
I’m not gonna say his name. How did I meet him? A freaking night storm dance. For those of you who are unaware, its basically a traveling teen club for high-schoolers. I believe the ages are 15- 20. Yes it keeps us off the streets the once in a month it’s in town but it also provides a place for us to bump and grind intoxicated and for the most part, half dressed. Now this place was a decent club for anybody into that. This night happened to be my first and second to last night at one of these things. I was going with my friends my freshman year in high school. I’ll save the weirdness of my experience seeing “grinding” for the first time for another post. ( I’m attempting to keep this short and sweet but it’s a lost cause). But anyways. The night goes on and here’s me, being this weird awkward girl whose always been a goody goody, is also trying to just let go and get my grove on in a sense. Somewhere along the lines I did. I started dancing. And I didn’t care who was watching. I was doing my thing and I felt sexy. It only helped that I felt this way without the million and one guys surrounding the little girl fest with my friends. And then it changed. At the same time we all were approached by guys. Guess who approached me! Little did I know it was the guy who I was gonna end up dating. The guy I was gonna fall in love with. The guy I was going to lose my virginity to, the one to make me question myself and how i get what I want out of life, the one who was gonna give me the most painful experience I’d ever encountered. Little did I know that this….stranger, in a couple hours or so after dancing the entire night, was going to grab me and pull me back towards him as I was about to leave for the night to get my number. And that’s where it would all begin.
Now while I ponder In what all I want to include in this story. ( I might save some for other articles and topics) I’ll try to describe just what I am feeling exactly. I have yet to read some heartbreak/romance article that describes how a real heartbreak feels. And maybe thats simply because there are not words to correctly verbalize this pain. And thats the focus of my post right? Well kiddos, it is literally physical pain. You are nothing but an emotional wreck. One minute you’re angry at the person and hate the gender completely. The next minute (not over-exaggerating) you’re sad and miss the comforting feelings you once felt from them. And then the next minute you’re happy and inspired with life. And then it starts all over again. Why? Because you are thinking about it non-stop. Now there’s plenty of other phases of emotions mixed in there but those are the big ones. You’re not satisfied. Not with your job, life, friends, even family. You want to be alone and surrounded by people all at the same time. You’ll constantly contradict yourself through your thoughts. You’ll analyze yourself and sometimes blame yourself and other times you’ll blame them. It’s nothing but an on going conflict with every possible thing in your head and you will drive yourself nuts.
Sound like bowls of life sucking cereal? It is. And I can already tell you that I didn’t even get close with describing exactly how it feels. However, I did mention that you have times when you are inspired with life and yourself in general. You’ll start to develop this vision of who you want to be and what you want out of life/romance in general. Thus begin the growing feelings that will lead to the bittersweet part of heartbreak, moving on.
I say bittersweet because moving on also means letting go. Now, if you’re experiencing heartbreak to the extent I was attempting to describe, or even at all. then chances are that there was something good or some kind of investment before. The investment of time and emotion. For me, this person became a part of my life. A part so big that I couldn’t erase or pretend he didn’t exist. We grew with each other. We experienced life phases together. He watched me as this awkward, lanky, shy girl that was naive and malleable, grow in a hardworking, persistent, and understanding young woman who is starting to figure out exactly what she wants and where she stands. I watched him go from this high school jock and cocky party boy grow into a very handsome young man who was extremely smart, focused, driven, and still very cocky. I chuckle reading over that description of him. It really is bitter sweet. We both grew, we both experienced, and we both failed miserably with our relationship. And thats okay. It’s a month and a half since our break up, and I’m okay. It’s even that time of the month. And the crazy mood swings have slowly started to disappear. My constant dreaming of scenarios of us running into each other and what might happen have become less common thoughts. And there’s this sense of awesomeness to it because I can literally feel myself moving on. I can acknowledge it while it’s happening. I thought this was something that would take months to get over. And maybe it will end up taking that long to completely get passed it. But I am so glad that I am at least at that okay point.
Just so you all have some insight, this particular relationship was just shy of 6 years. All the firsts that come with someone being your first love go all the way back to him being my first make out session and second kiss. We both fell for each other with neither one of us expecting it. Like most relationships , we had our honeymoon phase. However ours lasted around six months verses the the two months that people usually expect. A combination of things led to our relationship becoming toxic. Our mindsets, timing, priorities. So much played a role. A lot of cheating happened. In turn I became this person I never wanted to know. I cared about him too much. I wouldn’t leave him. So I let myself get messed up from that. And you know what? I miss him. I miss our entire relationship. Our break up was big. Almost like the grand finale to what had become something doomed for heartbreak. He was all I knew when it came to romance. He had become apart of me and me apart of him. He was the person I saw myself marrying. And now he literally just a memory. Nothing more. I feel like I lost apart of myself when we split. At the same time, I also feel like I gained another part of me to replace it.
Like I said, this relationship became a huge part of my life. You will see me talk about it more in the future. But for now, I need to let you in on the last of this heartbreak thing. The part where you learn. And boy did I learn a lot. I learned while we were dating too. Still, after our break-up, It literally was like this huge door right in front of me opened. Suddenly I knew exactly what I wanted in a guy and a good portion on how I wanted to go about getting it. (I’ll explain more of that in the future also). I suddenly understood how messed up our generation has let the idea of love become. I saw all the ways that people led themselves into situation when carrying out relationships. Am I some old wise romance woman now? Nope. But hell, I sure know a lot more than I did. Love exists. And don’t let anyone tell you different. And when I say love. I mean the one most girls only fantasize about. The one that girls get teased for expecting. IT EXISTS. I just never got it because my mindset wasn’t in the right place. It may not even be now but it’s closer than before. And I look forward to it beyond comprehension. Even if I have to wait awhile. It’s so worth it.
Heartbreak sucks. It makes you depressed, you feel alone, and you’re caught up in this emotional roller coaster. But heartbreak also includes the healing part. The part where you move on, learn, and find another piece of yourself. I say mine only lasted for a month or so. The brutal part at least. But it felt like forever. And It still feels like it lasted forever. Despite all of that, it does end. And you see the beauty in all of it the second it does.